09/16/2024
I thought I would explain the collage on my home page. This is almost a year and a half after my auto transplant and about a month before I found out I relapsed.
It is a “soul collage”. As a review, you tend to journal on the back of the card and ask specific questions from the card’s perspective to you, such as, “Who are you?” “What do you give me?” etc.
Unresolved Trauma: Who are you? I am the one who went through an unimaginable trauma. I don’t even remember really crying during any of it. I don’t think that was “strength”. I thinkI knew I couldn’t be weak at my very weakest.
A lot of emotions and old hurts are coming at once: childhood trauma, marriage, illness, and life now. I have terrible self-esteem and self-concept. I remember I liked myself best when I had lost 40 pounds due to cancer. I understand how “messed up” that sounds.
What do you give me? Acceptance. I am trying to accept what I went through and who I have become now.
Symbolism of the card: most of the faces and images are hazy, like in a dream or underwater. That’s how I feel sometimes. I feel like I’m drowning. Did I survive cancer just to have “this” life?? The music notes look upside down to me, and I feel upside down. Also, I don’t enjoy music as much as I used to. Snow: I remember one time it was flurrying. I looked out my window; I was so sick, but the snow on the branches was peaceful. Statue saying “shh,” “don’t let anyone know my secrets. “Poison”-red devil = life-saving treatment. Cracked statue: I feel cracked, and a sadness leaves me with unexpected tears at odd times.
I wish my current self (2026) could go back and reassure my 2024 self that everything is going to be ok, even after a second transplant. It’s good to go back and review some of my soul collage work. It allows me to see how far I’ve come.
Do you have a period of your life that you look back on and wish you could encourage the person you were then? Angie