Paint It, Black…the Sound of Silence.
In May of 2021, I became very sick. There was something drastically wrong with my body. I didn’t receive my cancer diagnosis until August 2021. I wasn’t really angry at that time. I was relieved to know what was wrong with me and anxious to get started on a treatment that would make me better.
I then did everything “right,” at least as far as the doctors were concerned. I did 5 months of chemo. I then underwent an “auto” transplant in hopes that it would keep the cancer away at least for a little while. I knew it wasn’t a cure.
It came back a little sooner than I thought it would. October 2024. It’s now nearing the beginning of May 2025. Four years later, and I’m still going through this sh$8#. I am supposed to go through with an allogeneic transplant this time. I’ve had one delay after another, and I think I’ve hit the angry stage. Maybe I went through the other stages of grief. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty angry right now that I have to go through all of this again. The only thing that makes it a teensy bit appealing is a chance at a CURE. We’ll see.
I know it’s ok to be angry. I’m entitled. The problem is that my anger makes people around me uncomfortable. I’m usually so pleasant and upbeat. If you are a friend or family and reading this, know that I am “ok”/”safe”. I won’t do anything drastic, but I need a place to vent, and this is it.
Paint it, Black.
I see a red door
And I want it painted black
No colors anymore
I want them to turn black I look inside myself
And see my heart is black
I see my red door
I must have it painted black
Maybe then, I’ll fade away
And not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up
When your whole world is black I see a red door
And I want it painted black
No colors anymore
I want them to turn black
Song by The Rolling Stones ‧ 1966
The Sound of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
“Fools” said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence
Song by Simon & Garfunkel ‧ 1964
I’m not going to explain this collage. Someone else may be going through something hard right now too, and I want them to interpret it how they want.
I know this feeling will pass. But, for now, it feels good to feel the bad too.